Warning to All Married Men!

Before I get started on this week’s gaming column, I feel compelled to issue a warning to all husbands that could quite possibly save a few marriages.  In order to properly explain this potential relationship-killer, a little background on myself is in order.  I have been married for five years (or something like that) to a wonderful woman, and we have a little daughter as well.  When our daughter was born, we decided that it would be best for the child if my wife quit her full-time job and stayed home to raise the kid (soon to be 2 kids as my wife is currently 9 months pregnant).  As part of the deal, it was agreed that most of the house-keeping duties would fall upon my wife - think “Father Knows Best” and you’ll have a good idea how the household duties are divided between us (basically she does everything, and I whine about how difficult my commute and day job are).  Anyways, part of what my wife is “responsible” for is the preparation of our evening meal.  Well, apparently the hormones released by a woman’s pregnancy must do something to dull their culinary common sense, because what started out as a simple experiment in cooking turned into one of the most horrific tales ever to be told…

Last night, I was greeted at the door with the announcement that my wife was planning on trying out a new recipe from a book titled something like “100 Sugar-Free Recipes.”  She mumbled something about what the dish consisted of, but she really didn’t go into specifics - I would later find out why.  As it turned out a more apt title for this book would’ve been “100 Sure-Fire Ways to Make Your Husband go on a Permanent Trip to the 7-11 for Milk.”

At around 7:30, I heard my wife yell “dinner’s ready,” and we all sat at the table eager to try this new culinary delight that my loving spouse had prepared for the family’s consumption.  I dipped into what looked like a harmless “noodle casserole”-type dish expecting something quite tasty.  However, upon the food touching my taste buds, my look of anticipation turned into one of pure horror.  Quite simply, this “evil casserole” was assaulting my taste buds like nothing had before.  Being the loving, supporting husband I am I immediately turned to my wife and said - in an extremely understanding and loving tone -  “What the hell is in this?  This is the worst thing you’ve EVER cooked!”  Imagine my shock when she read off the following ingredients:

•  Baked Apples
•  Egg Noodles
•  Cinnamon
•  Yogurt
•  Cottage Cheese

I think one ingredient that could have saved this dinner-time disaster would have been “cyanide,” as it would’ve at least offered a way for one’s palate to escape the egregious assault brought on by this unholiest of recipes.   If any of you husbands out there EVER see a recipe book with the words “Sugar Free” in the title, immediately run screaming out of the house to the nearest McDonalds.  If you do not have a McDonalds nearby (where the heck do you live?), run to the local Home Depot, buy some wood and some tools and build a McDonalds.  Trust me, the chore of erecting the building will be much easier than swallowing one spoonful of what I now refer to as “The Anti-Casserole”.  I do understand that this is supposed to be a gaming column, but I would be ignoring my duties as an ethical member of the male sex if I let this incident occur without comment.  Even if this warning only saves one man’s dinner, I would consider it a worthwhile exercise.  Thank you for your indulgence; now onto our regularly scheduled gaming column…
 

EverCrack

I have never, nor would I ever consider, smoking crack.  I’ve seen people who were hard-working upstanding citizens turn into shifty, untrustworthy cretins who would sell their own mother to white-slave traders to get another fix.  That anyone would get so terribly hooked on such a devastating drug is simply tragic.

Having said all that, I have recently partaken in something that is even more addictive than crack.  This “thing” I have experienced will take your life, ruin your relationships, and lead you to cutting out all contact with the outside world.  What is this terrible object, you ask?  Is it cocaine?  Heroin?  Dristan Nasal Spray?  Baywatch reruns?

No… I’m afraid it’s far worse.  It is Everquest.

To further illustrate the addictive qualities of Sony’s massively multiplayer online RPG, I have prepared the following comparison chart:
 
 

Just Like Old Times

I’ll admit I was skeptical when an old friend of mine e-mailed me and asked if I wanted to join him for an Everquest session.  I didn’t think running around hunting rats for hours sounded like much fun.  However, I decided to give it a try - I created a Warrior character and teamed up with my friend’s Monk for a night of adventuring in the land of Norrath. It only took an hour or so for me to realize how much fun this game is.  What is it about Everquest that makes it so much fun to play with a friend?  Is it the challenging quests?  The attractive 3D graphics?  The way you can interact with other players in the game?  While all those things are impressive, they are not what make Everquest stand-out from other online RPG’s.  The one factor that I believe makes Everquest the ultimate in online entertainment is this - EQ has the hands-down absolute best alcohol drinking simulation ever created.

My friend (who we’ll call “John”) and I started out our adventure in much the same way we used to in real life when we were in high school together - we headed to the nearest bar.  We began by pounding down a few flagons of ale; it was at this point I realized that unlike myself my virtual character (named Buracho - Spanish for “drunk”) was quite the lightweight when it comes to alcohol consumption.  After only two or three drinks, the room started to rock back and forth and I could hardly stand still enough to click on the bartender to order more booze.  After a few minutes of dancing on the bar with a platinum piece in my mouth trying to get the “bar wench” to disrobe, I decided it was time to switch over to hard liquor.  I slapped down some silver pieces, and quickly gulped down six shots of brandy.  However, when I went to drink a seventh shot of booze I was informed that Everquest had “cut me off” - the message “You could not possibly drink any more than you already have,” appeared on the screen and my character was unable to quaff any of the remaining booze I had purchased.  This was probably a good thing, because just at that moment the room began to rock even more violently, and actually became elongated!  The inn began to look like one of those dreams you have where you keep running towards a door but never actually get any closer.

After chugging down eight drinks, I did what every real-life drunk does when they’re plastered out of their skull - I suggested that my partner and I go lookin’ for a fight.  The problem with this was that in order to actually find someone to beat up, my character had to leave the inn and go outside.  Unfortunately, my vision was so distorted that I spend a good five minutes trying to find the door!  Once I finally located the exit, I managed to actually walk through it (after four or five failed attempts that had my character slamming into the wall), and I was out in the wilderness ready to rumble.  “Let’s go kick some tail!” I said to my partner…

In yet another stroke of genius from the developers of Everquest, they’ve also implemented into the game the fact that drunks are often very difficult to understand.  That means that what I type in the console doesn’t necessarily come out accurately to the rest of the characters in the vicinity.  So when I typed in “Let’s go kick some tail,” my friend saw something like “Let’s go lick some snails.”  As illustrated in the following chart, my friend and I had a really hard time communicating…
 
 

Die, Foul Spruce!

Not only did my buddy and I have a hard time communicating, it became painfully clear that when it came time to actually do battle, my inebriated character was not going to be of much help.  After a bit of stumbling around the countryside, my friend’s character - a monk named Ubriaco (Italian for “drunk”) was ambushed by two fuzzy furry black objects (later I found out that these two objects were actually one grizzly bear).  As these horrid Norrathian fuzzballs were in the midst of pummeling Ubriaco, my companion shouted for help.  Well, I certainly wasn’t going to let my good friend be killed by these foul creatures, so I shot up from my sitting position and charged headlong toward the midst of the battle.   The chilly autumn air in the East Commonlands of Norrath bit into my skin, and my adrenaline surged to a fever pitch.  I, the mighty Buracho, would not let my comrade fall victim to the hordes of fuzzy black things that were attacking him!

The battle was fast and furious.  My alter-ego, Buracho, was full of valor and bravery.  As I approached the enemies, I unsheathed my mighty broadsword and with a hefty swing buried the tip of my blade into the heart of my enemy.  Alas, my enemy was a sturdy one, and hardly seemed phased by my initial onslaught.  I stepped back and regrouped, preparing another blow.  Once again my aim was true, and I slashed my weapon across the beast’s midsection.  I could sense impending victory - surely the creature I was fighting could not withstand another volley of attacks.   The creature must have been reeling from my crushing blows, as it was not even able to launch a counter-attack!  Hail the mighty Buracho!  I then lifted my sword high above my head preparing for the finishing blow, when I heard my traveling companion yelling something at me.

“Did you know you’re attacking a tree, you idiot?!  Man, you’re really drunk…”

After this embarrassing episode, we decided that maybe it was time to log off for the evening, and give Buracho a well-needed long night’s rest.  I said “Farewell” to brave Ubriaco, and began stumbling into the night toward the safe haven of Freeport, where Buracho would be spending the night.  That is, If he could get there before he passed out or was killed by a shrubbery…
 

I’m Not a Drunk, I Just Play One Online

That first enjoyable session of online role-playing sealed my fate - I would definitely become an Everquest addict.  I have since created multiple characters, adventured to different regions; I even attended a dark-elf wedding!  Everquest is the closest to the Holy Grail of online gaming that the industry has come to date - in addition to being a fantastic drinking simulation, it allows friends to spend time together even if they are miles apart.  The friend that I mentioned in the story above is a person I’ve known for over 15 years, but he has just recently moved 2,000 miles away.  I thought the days when I could call him up and say, “Let’s go out for a few beers” were over.  Well thanks to Everquest, I can still hang out with my old friend.  The only difference is that the local pub is now located in the East Commonlands of Norrath as opposed to the Maryland suburb where we grew up.

So if you haven’t played Everquest yet, I implore you to give it a try.  And if you’re ever run into either Ubriaco or Buracho at an Inn, be sure to buy them a drink - they’re fun to watch.  Just don’t mention the word “tree” around Buracho…