When talking to people online lately, I've started to notice something. There are a lot of guys, mostly younger guys, who say they identify as female or gender neutral. I never ask them about personal details about themselves, but it seems to come up a lot. Constantly, even.
I'm not going to pretend I understand what it's like to be the opposite gender trapped in the wrong body or what have you-- but what I keep seeing seems to be something quite different from that. When the topic comes up, whether they are talking to me or I just happen to be in the same space reading their conversation with someone else, there seems to be this reoccurring theme of sorts. It is: They identify as female-- because they did not feel valued as males, particularly on the internet where people are exclusively anonymous. --and when they say this, I really begin to kind of understand what they mean.
I have had many discussions about how people's attitudes change depending on gender they think you are, and I have since become more aware of how people interact with each other, be it in a chat room, a guild/linkshell in an online game, etc. Basically what it boils down to is: If you are a guy, people are generally very dismissive, but if you are perceived to be female, reactions and responses from others tend to be a lot more positive and friendly overall. Saying this really doesn't even begin to describe the difference.
So now a lot of guys are going well beyond simply playing a female avatar in games or other things online. They aren't simply pretending to be female to try and coax gold and favors from people, as many have done in the past, either. They are actually committed to being female. They won't join calls on Skype or Discord because they don't want to be outed by their male voices. They talk about wanting gender reassignment surgery and the like.
Their desire to be female extends well beyond their lives on the internet. The feeling of worthlessness has a lot of roots in the real world as well, where almost no one can find meaningful employment anymore. This is something that hurts men in particular, because of the way we are raised with certain expectations-- that men are supposed to be breadwinners and providers. A man without money is a scrub, or a bum. A loser. --whereas a woman without money can still be desirable and interesting. I think this is what annoys me the most whenever women complain loudly and constantly about frivolous things like Ghostbusters getting bad reviews or their favorite gay anime not being popular and how oppressed they are because of it.
Back on the internet, real life money and social status are not so important, but there are other factors, just not terribly different factors.
There are some who will tell you, in all seriousness, that "there are no girls on the internet." I know for a fact this isn't true, but if you try to argue that with them they will become outright violent with their response. In the minds of most people, the internet is just a collective sea of homogeneous, nameless, faceless stick figures. On the internet, it is typically perceived that everyone is equally worthless unless until proven otherwise. So now you have all these people trying to be YouTubers, trying to be streamers. Most fail horribly.
I don't really know what my point in all this was. I guess I can say that I understand because I also feel profoundly worthless. Different people have different ways to adapt. I run Minecraft servers, and people want to talk to me because I'm the owner, just mostly a bunch of kids. I join guilds on WoW and get promoted quickly because I have a lot of charisma and leadership skill to offer that are recognized fairly quickly every time. Of course, all of this is online. In the real world I'm a pennyless stay at home husband who never leaves his apartment.
I'm out of school for 4 weeks before my core classes/practicals begin. I had forgotten how hard it is to not have anywhere to go. I still feel ignored and unwanted by my wife and kids. I still think about the world and how it and everyone in it is perfectly content not knowing I exist-- especially the ones who knew I existed but forgot so they could merrily go about their lives without worrying about it.
It sounds selfish when I write it out like this. Why should anyone care? The notion itself is silly. Why do I feel like I need someone to care about me so badly? I don't understand this. All I know is every minute I sit in this place alone is like torture, and I hate saying that because of how people overuse the word "torture" without really meaning it. When I say it, really ******* mean it. It is despair on a level I don't really think anyone can comprehend. It feels like sickness. It overwhelms my entire body. The worst part is not being able to find any kind of relief. It's like when you're playing chess and all the pieces have been removed from the board but the two kings on either side who can now do nothing but shuffle back and forth away from each other.
So my options are to wait and see if anything changes, or quit. I lay in bed and think about hanging myself with wires around the house, and how easy it would be. I did a test run the other day, and was surprised how quickly I started to black out, panicked and removed the cord from around my neck. Apparently I don't really want to die yet. I keep thinking of October, where I plan to send a birthday card to my dear friend who I haven't been in contact with since last October-- the one I'm not supposed to talk to because of our age difference, of course. The one person I want to talk to is someone I am vilified for even thinking about. My entire will to live is riding on how or IF she responds to my hand-written letter and card. I feel like she is the only one who could offer any sort of relief for how I feel. --and not just relief. I would be so happy just to hear her voice again.
At this point, I feel like I don't really care what happens anymore. I feel like I'm not able to be afraid of anything. It's like everything is ****. I can't enjoy the things I used to enjoy, even those things are like angry impostors.
Kuwoobie will die crushed under the burden of his mediocrity.