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#1 Jan 10 2015 at 1:29 PM Rating: Good
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To the guys that fantasize or ask their SO about bringing another female into the relationship: What thought/feeling drives you? Is your SO not fulfilling your needs/wants? Do you need something extra to spice up your love life? Do you want to have sex with another female you find attractive but don't want to leave your spouse/GF?

I had a bad experience with polyamory but my SO wants to bring another female into our relationship. He won't give me a reason why he wants to beyond, "It's something I haven't had much experience with" so I'm looking for a bit more insight into what provokes people to bring up this option to their SO's.
#2 Jan 10 2015 at 2:17 PM Rating: Good
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Is it just to have sex, or like... really part of the relationship? Cause some guys can't get over that fantasy of two girls at the same time. Personally I wouldn't see it as something lacking from the SO, but just seeing if the SO was willing to fulfill that fantasy.

I guess you could ask him how he'd feel about you bringing another man into the relationship...

Cause in my mind, I could see the extra woman meaning nothing to me, or the relationship. Just being there as a... play thing (ya, bad term) for the fantasy. But on the other hand I can't say I'd enjoy another man in a relationship, regardless of whether or not the SO felt the same way as I would have about the extra woman.
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#3 Jan 10 2015 at 3:00 PM Rating: Good
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I don't have any experience with this matter, but you may have the high ground bargaining-wise. You can either have him agree to perform whatever fantasy you wanted to try, or place serious requirements on him like you pegging him with the largest strap-on you can find.
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#4 Jan 10 2015 at 5:31 PM Rating: Good
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Multi-party relationships like that seem to show up a lot in some of the sci-fi I read and usually seems to work out. But I have no idea how I'd handle it. Tendency towards jealousy makes me suspect it wouldn't go well. I think it's cool for other people if that's what they want. Just can't see it working out for me.

I have fantasized about single night stands that involve me, my GF and another woman. But never as a long term relationship. So, sadly, can't quite answer what you're asking. All I can say is that if you don't feel comfortable with it, you don't feel comfortable with it. Regardless of academic feelings towards it, personal feelings of parties involved matter more.

Edited, Jan 10th 2015 4:37pm by Poldaran
#5 Jan 10 2015 at 5:39 PM Rating: Good
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TirithRR wrote:
Is it just to have ***, or like... really part of the relationship? Cause some guys can't get over that fantasy of two girls at the same time. Personally I wouldn't see it as something lacking from the SO, but just seeing if the SO was willing to fulfill that fantasy.

I guess you could ask him how he'd feel about you bringing another man into the relationship...

Cause in my mind, I could see the extra woman meaning nothing to me, or the relationship. Just being there as a... play thing (ya, bad term) for the fantasy. But on the other hand I can't say I'd enjoy another man in a relationship, regardless of whether or not the SO felt the same way as I would have about the extra woman.


It would initially be just sex and if the person was the right fit and nothing catastrophic happened, he wants someone to bring into our relationship on a more permanent basis. Not like moving in and setting up house with us, but more than just sex. I asked him about bringing another male into the fold and he emphatically denied that. Not that he is homophobic, guys just don't trip his trigger. When it comes to relationships or sex, I am indifferent towards gender. If we hit it off, have chemistry, etc... then it doesn't matter to me whether it is a male or female. The person he has picked for this little experiment and I get along. She is a great person and if I were unattached, I would think about pursuing her.

That's pretty much what he said, that she would just be here to play with us. I'm worried that if it were to happen, I would lose him to her. They are friends and he likes her. Toward 99% of the female population, he couldn't care less but he likes her and cares for her as a friend. I'm afraid if we do take this further, those feelings will start to grow into something else.
#6 Jan 10 2015 at 5:49 PM Rating: Good
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The One and Only Poldaran wrote:
Multi-party relationships like that seem to show up a lot in some of the sci-fi I read and usually seems to work out. But I have no idea how I'd handle it. Tendency towards jealousy makes me suspect it wouldn't go well. I think it's cool for other people if that's what they want. Just can't see it working out for me.

I have fantasized about single night stands that involve me, my GF and another woman. But never as a long term relationship. So, sadly, can't quite answer what you're asking. All I can say is that if you don't feel comfortable with it, you don't feel comfortable with it. Regardless of academic feelings towards it, personal feelings of parties involved matter more.

Edited, Jan 10th 2015 4:37pm by Poldaran


Since Alla won't let me edit my previous post, I'll make another one! I had a relationship that involved 3 people. It ended badly. Everyone I have talked to that has been in a polyamorous relationship said it ended badly. I think it's one of those things that only works in movies and books. I am jealous. And possessive. Not to the point of stalking him and reading his emails or anything, but I do get jealous. I would be more okay if it was just a "hit it and quit it" type thing but he wants to see if this can work long term.

My therapist thinks this could work as a desensitizing method/immersion therapy type thing. I have a lot of baggage from my past experience with this sort of thing and it's something we have, so far, been unable to work through. When the subject came up the first time, I talked to my counselor about it and she thinks, if it goes well, it might help me get over some of these hang ups. There is a huge chance it could go badly and just reaffirm my thoughts on the matter and we discussed that as well.
#7 Jan 10 2015 at 6:00 PM Rating: Good
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If you are kind of into it, but worried about him and her becoming attached, could you set rules? Like nothing happens with her unless both of you are present. None of the cuddling or affectionate stuff before/during/after. I mean, ya, it starts to become a pretty crappy thing for her once she's reduced to just another set of boobs and a ****** while you two go at it.

In the end it becomes a pretty bad deal for the extra woman unless that's her thing.

I guess I don't see it working well for anyone unless you all three were into it and making it work regardless of how close any pair got.
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#8 Jan 10 2015 at 6:02 PM Rating: Excellent
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Delva wrote:
My therapist thinks this could work as a desensitizing method/immersion therapy type thing. I have a lot of baggage from my past experience with this sort of thing and it's something we have, so far, been unable to work through. When the subject came up the first time, I talked to my counselor about it and she thinks, if it goes well, it might help me get over some of these hang ups. There is a huge chance it could go badly and just reaffirm my thoughts on the matter and we discussed that as well.
Honestly, I'd ask your therapist how s/he would feel if you started seeing another therapist. On the side. You know. It wouldn't impact your relationship with him/her. But it would be a long term thing.

Oh, sure, there's a chance you could develop a relationship built on trust and respect with the other therapist, but surely your therapist has nothing to worry about.


Knee jerk reaction and possibly even the wrong reaction. But your therapist's reaction seems very odd to me.
#9 Jan 10 2015 at 6:05 PM Rating: Good
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TirithRR wrote:
If you are kind of into it, but worried about him and her becoming attached, could you set rules? Like nothing happens with her unless both of you are present. None of the cuddling or affectionate stuff before/during/after. I mean, ya, it starts to become a pretty crappy thing for her once she's reduced to just another set of boobs and a ****** while you two go at it.

In the end it becomes a pretty bad deal for the extra woman unless that's her thing.

I guess I don't see it working well for anyone unless you all three were into it and making it work regardless of how close any pair got.


In my last relationship, that's what I did. There were some major ground rules. Everyone was informed and agreed to everything before we started. That didn't last long. He fell in love with her, she fell in love with him and I ended up being the odd man out. It got to the point where I wasn't even welcome in my own bed. Granted, I did stay in the situation longer than was healthy(my own stupidity), but in my experience, rules don't work.
#10 Jan 10 2015 at 6:08 PM Rating: Good
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Seems like it'd be easier to hire a hooker.
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#11 Jan 10 2015 at 6:11 PM Rating: Good
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The One and Only Poldaran wrote:
Delva wrote:
My therapist thinks this could work as a desensitizing method/immersion therapy type thing. I have a lot of baggage from my past experience with this sort of thing and it's something we have, so far, been unable to work through. When the subject came up the first time, I talked to my counselor about it and she thinks, if it goes well, it might help me get over some of these hang ups. There is a huge chance it could go badly and just reaffirm my thoughts on the matter and we discussed that as well.
Honestly, I'd ask your therapist how s/he would feel if you started seeing another therapist. On the side. You know. It wouldn't impact your relationship with him/her. But it would be a long term thing.

Oh, sure, there's a chance you could develop a relationship built on trust and respect with the other therapist, but surely your therapist has nothing to worry about.


Knee jerk reaction and possibly even the wrong reaction. But your therapist's reaction seems very odd to me.


lol I adore her. I've been seeing her for the past 8yrs and we have worked through a lot of stuff together. She is kinda avant-garde in some of her practices, but going outside the box has worked well for me in the past. I actually did start seeing another therapist but I went back to her and there were no hard feelings.

Is Alla just ******** with me? Every time I go to edit a post to reply to something else, it won't let me saying it is a duplicate. But it will let me make another post.
#12 Jan 10 2015 at 6:13 PM Rating: Good
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TirithRR wrote:
Seems like it'd be easier to hire a hooker.


Ew, gross... I don't want to sleep with someone and get something bleach can't take off...
#13 Jan 10 2015 at 6:21 PM Rating: Good
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Delva wrote:
TirithRR wrote:
Seems like it'd be easier to hire a hooker.


Ew, gross... I don't want to sleep with someone and get something bleach can't take off...


Well obviously you wouldn't pick one up at the street corner.

You'd get one of them there fancy hookers. Call girls, or escorts. High class ********
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#14 Jan 10 2015 at 6:45 PM Rating: Good
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TirithRR wrote:
Delva wrote:
TirithRR wrote:
Seems like it'd be easier to hire a hooker.


Ew, gross... I don't want to sleep with someone and get something bleach can't take off...


Well obviously you wouldn't pick one up at the street corner.

You'd get one of them there fancy hookers. Call girls, or escorts. High class ********


Hit Vegas.
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#15 Jan 10 2015 at 6:49 PM Rating: Excellent
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Since he knows her and wants it to be more than a one-time thing, I don't see how this could possibly end without hurt feelings.

Not sure why the therapist thinks this is such a great idea. While it could work, it could also backfire, badly. Why is she willing to take such a risk? I bet she wouldn't try something like this in her own personal life...
#16 Jan 10 2015 at 7:38 PM Rating: Good
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Sounds like your SO is getting bored and wants to swim in the deep end of the pond for a change. He wants a specific woman, and he does not want to compromise. My spider-sense is tingling, but that might just be from reading about your relationship with your therapist. You're paying this lady to fix you, right?
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#17 Jan 10 2015 at 7:41 PM Rating: Good
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What if the therapist is the other woman?
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#18 Jan 10 2015 at 7:53 PM Rating: Good
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I think I've seen that movie.
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#19 Jan 11 2015 at 7:56 AM Rating: Excellent
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If you go through with it, just make sure you'll be part of the couple ejected from the wreckage if and, let's be honest, when the poly thing blows up. Now, we already have doubts about your current SO, so your only option is to seduce the other woman first. Don't **** about with chocolates and candles and all that ********* get her right in the feelings.
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#20 Jan 11 2015 at 8:05 AM Rating: Excellent
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Kavekkk wrote:
Don't **** about with chocolates and candles and all that ********* get her right in the feelings.


Get elbow deep in them.
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#21 Jan 11 2015 at 9:22 AM Rating: Excellent
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So there's something in your relationship that you don't want to do, that you think will be actively harmful and your boyfriend keeps actively pushing it despite being told "no"? And your therapist is pushing you into it as well?

That's f--ked up. You need at least a new therapist and probably a new boyfriend as well. These are the two people who should be most invested in making you feel secure and safe and both are trying to shove you into a destructive situation. I'm not saying that a threesome thing can't work but it sure isn't going to work when at least 33% of the parties involved doesn't want it.
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#22 Jan 11 2015 at 9:34 AM Rating: Excellent
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Oh, and "immersion therapy"? Who the hell does that for 'doesn't want to have a threesome'? Why in God's name would any reputable therapist recommend something so very potentially destructive to you, your SO and the unfortunate third party as "immersion therapy"? That's like you being afraid of teddy bears so she says "Welp, let's throw you into a pit of live bears then..." This person's a God damn fruitcake.

That's why I say "At least a new therapist". Your boyfriend can be excused for being an insensitive hornball. Your therapist is giving you actively destructive advice with a professional veneer that has to go against any credible training.
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#23 Jan 11 2015 at 4:37 PM Rating: Good
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I don't know if my SO is getting bored and I really hope that's not the case. I try very hard to keep our love life interesting and keep him interested in me. This other woman that he is fixated on is "bi-curious". She has never been with another woman before and is kinda flaky about trying it. One week, she's on LGBT dating sites, the next, she just wants to find a "nice man".

My therapist isn't pushing me into it. She is of the opinion that if we do try it and it does go well, it will relieve some of the negative connotation I associate with those relationships. She did warn me that if it doesn't work out, it will put me years behind the little progress we have made in that area. In extreme cases of OCD, immersion therapy has shown marked progress. With all my hangups about "polyamory" or "threesomes" it is almost a phobia and it is something we haven't been able to make much progress in so she is looking outside the box for solutions that might work. She is, of course, against any idea that would be a detriment to my progresss, she was merely weighing out the pros and cons for me in this instance.

Nobody else is going to weigh in on my initial questions?
#24 Jan 11 2015 at 4:38 PM Rating: Good
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I wouldn't mind giving a couple of posters here immersion therapy, if you know what I mean.

ETA: IDK, of the people here that are in a relationship like half of them met on this forum. I don't know how many hits you're gonna get on that one.

Edited, Jan 11th 2015 5:40pm by Kavekkk
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#25 Jan 11 2015 at 5:10 PM Rating: Excellent
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Why are you trying to make progress on polyamory? Is this something that comes up a lot or something? It's ok to not want to be in threesome type of situation, why would you want to learn how to be ok with it?
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#26 Jan 11 2015 at 6:56 PM Rating: Excellent
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Sir Xsarus wrote:
Why are you trying to make progress on polyamory?

Exactly. Why would this be something you'd need to "fix"? I mean, unless it's because you have a SO who is demanding it of you in which case a better solution would be "get a new SO".

As for the original question, there's no answer more nuanced than "because guys like putting their dicks in things"
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