As the title states, this is a blatant ripoff of the "How to win rangers and influence people thread) that you can view by following this link. I loved the thread and the overload of sarcasm really hit the spot as I am feeling particularly cynical tonight. Props to Jowaa for the great thread and here's my version of it. Just remember, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. That being said, this post is pure unadulterated sarcasm, not intended to make fun of anyone, it's meant to make you laugh.
Dragoons are a fairly rare class (especially since the update after we weeded out all the "uber l33t players" who played the job JUST TO SPAM PENTA THRUST >_<... flame away, I know you want to). Many feel the class is inferior to other jobs such as DRK and others simply look at the DRG's reputation which consists of... penta thrust, penta thrust, penta thrust, and not-quite-as-much-damage-as-the-all-powerful-uber-l33t-DRK.
DRGs are like the not-quite-super-sexy chick in the bar who has a great personality and a heart of gold. You know, the one that gets overlooked because everyone is sitting there drooling over that hottie that they don't stand a chance of getting with. We sip our drinks feeling lonely and unwanted until last call when people are desparate for PT members, and sometimes go home alone... again... and cry to our linkshells about how we're ugly and nobody loves us.
Welcome to playing a Dragoon...
Many players will refuse to let DRGs into their parties, with a typical conversation going something like this:
goodplayerwhoactuallyusestheirbrain: "hmmm... we have a DRK with sub-par equipment and only rank 2 at lvl 49 and a DRG who is wearing close to a million gil in gear and is rank 5 seeking parties... and the DRK is half way across vana'diel."
uberl33tcookiecutter: "DRGs are teh uber w33k sauc3. They suck"
cookiecutterfromhell: "yeah, we are gonna be fighting goblins and they suck evem MORE without their little blue rat thing. They will be totally useless to us, invite the DRK"
goodplayerwhoactuallyusestheirbrain: "I've partied with that DRG befroe and he knows what he's doing, he's really good."
ptleaderwhodoesntknow$#!^: "I'm gonna invite the DRK, DRGs just suck @$$"
goodplayerwhoactuallyusestheirbrain: "..."
You may think that DRGs just want some love and to get into a party, but in reality, we LOOOOOOOOOOVE to sit in Jeuno with our seek flag up for 10 hours with our thumbs up our @$$es complaining about not getting into parties. All DRGs just like to ***** about not getting parties, and while we say we despise cookie cutters and say that DRGs can kick just as much butt as any other class, we secretly hope that every PT in the world is having that above conversation so that we won't get invited. After all, if we get into a party, we lose our ******** privileges for a little while... we have to wait until the next day to wait in Jeuno for another 10 hours before we can really ***** about not getting a party because, let's face it, we got one yesterday. *note: disregard the fact that the party is the only one in 3 weeks, it is totally irrelevant!*
Also, if you are a Japanese speaking player, make sure you send them a /tell in those symbols that make no sense to us and when we reply {I'm sorry} {I don't speak any Japanese} {Please use the auto-translate function}, simply reply {I'm sorry} and forget that the conversation even happened. Make sure you do this at least twice per day per DRG.
*wyvern healing portion of this rant has been removed*
Damn you SEX (Square EniX in case you didnt make the connection) for giving us the ability to heal our wyvern and dismiss it and taking away my rant ammunition! I hope you all burn in... oh, wait, that's a really good ability... *gives SEX an evil glare before running over to wyvern and dancing happily with it*
Now, assuming that you disregard the first rule and actually invite a DRG to your group, you must make it up to them by asking them to tank. And when they explain that DRGs don't make good tanks due to the fact that they get $#!^^y armor and point out the fact that their jumps shed hate, call them a n00b and threaten to kick them, blist them, ban them from 4 different linkshells even though you are only a sackholder in one of them, and just generally give them a hard time... then tell them to pull.
If there is a Thief in the party, you should make extra attempts to make the DRG feel loved. Make sure that your party has at least 3 different theories on how you should fuidama. I had a conversation VERY similar to this one... this was in quicksand caves around lvl 45 or so. Names have been changed to protect the innocent... which includes the WHM... that's about it...
DRG: "All right, after the THF pulls, I'll take the first voke so you can trick off of the PLD and I'll high jump to shed hate."
RDMtaru: "That will never work, I can use phalanx and stoneskin, let the THF trick off of me."
DRK: "Just trick off the DRG, he can jump the hate away."
DRG: >_<
PLD: "I'm lazy, I don't wanna set all that up. Just trick off the DRG, I can get hate back"
DRG: "I have been in several parties with thieves recently. Every time I have been the trick buddy. Puller pulls, I voke, THF tricks onto tank, tank makes hate, tank holds hate for the rest of the fight."
RDMtaru: "That's too hard to get set up, just trick off of me, I have phalanx ans stoneskin"
DRK: "Can we kill stuff now?"
WHM: "Why would you trick off anyone but the tank?"
DRG: "Exactly my point, after the first fuidama with the PLD tanking I probably won't even be able to get hate anyway, you can trick off me then."
THF: "That's too much moving around, it's hard to get into position."
RDMtaru: "Just trick off of me, I can use phalanx and stoneskin."
DRG: ">_< this is going nowhere fast..."
WHM: "Why don't we try it once each way and see which one works best?"
THF: "I don't care who I trick off of, just tell me who to trick onto."
RDMtaru: "trick off of me, I have phalanx and stoneskin."
WHM: "We will try it the DRG's way first."
DRK: "Can we kill stuff now?"
DRG: "Fine by me, remember, THF pulls, I voke, thf tricks onto PLD, PLD holds hate for the rest of the fight."
*thf procedes to pull and both DRG and PLD voke off of THF*
*beetle can't decide who to attack, bouncing back and forth between the DRG and PLD*
*THF stands there confused, not knowing where to stand for trick attack*
DRG: ">_<"
*DRG uses high jump to give hate to the PLD, grudgingly, to give the THF a clear choice of trick partners*
*THF tricks off of DRG and PLD has a hard time getting hate off of the DRG, who is panicking at his rapidly decreasing hp*
*after a long, hard battle, the beetle is defeated*
RDMtaru: "Well, the DRG's idea was a total failure... trick off of me, I can stoneskin and phalanx"
DRG: "That wasn't my plan, that was the plan that the PLD suggested. My plan would have worked MUCH better."
RDMtaru: "all right, since the DRG's plan was a failure, try tricking off me this time, I will use phalanx and stoneskin."
DRG: "I'm not so sure about giving hate to a RDM, especially not a taru, you could get killed, and I don't like my party members getting killed."
DRK: "Can we kill stuff now?"
THF: "pulling a spider"
DRG: "ACK! spiders have a really nasty move called sicle slash, I've seen it do 900 damge before!"
THF: "Too late, we can kill it fast"
*THF pulls and PLD vokes off of THF*
*THF Sneak+trick+viper bites onto DRG*
DRG: "ACK! Get it off me!"
*DRG REALLY wishes he had super jump*
*WHM and PLD and RDM frantically heal DRG and DRG almost dies*
*after another long, hard battle, the spider is defeated*
DRG: "OMFG I DONT KNOW HOW I SURVIVED THAT!"
RDMtaru: "Your plan sucks, DRG"
RDMtaru: "THF, trick onto me, I have phalanx and stomeskin"
THF: "You are never in the right place for me to trick onto you"
DRK: "can we kill stuff now?"
DRG: /sigh
*DRG takes charge*
DRG: "All right, here's the battle plan..."
DRG: "We tried several methods that didnt work... lets try it my way this time."
DRG: "THF pulls, I AND ONLY I USE PROVOKE TO PULL IT OFF THE THF"
DRG: "THF tricks onto PLD, PLD uses hate gaining stuff, when you are ready to trick again if I can't pull hate, trick onto me. Otherwise, trick onto the PLD"
PLD: "That is too much effort to set up,
RDMtaru: "trick onto me, I have phalanx and stoneskin"
DRK: "can we kill stuff now?"
THF: "I'm gonna go pull something"
WHM "Wait, I don't have enough MP"
DRG: "687ggvtcgvtu7yhjvcvg7676yg"
*note: this is the sound of a person banging their head on the keyboard, as heard over the internet*
DRK: "can we kill stuff now?"
Oh, and did I mention the fact that if you are tanking, you should ALWAYS move around as much as possible to make the DRG constantly adjust their position for fuidama. DRGs just LOVE to move around and worry about where they need to stand... it's a genetic defect. Just ignore us when we complain about the tank moving around, we don't really mean it.
At this point, you will have made a friend for life. The DRG will promptly add you to their friend list. Unfortunately, through some defect in all DRGs' thought patterns (the same defect that makes us all suck no matter how good we are), we will accidentally use the /blist function instead of the friend list, and wonder why you never return our tells :( This just gives us more stuff to ***** about.
*in the tavern in upper jeuno, on DRG only day*
DRG1: "Man, it sucks being a DRG"
DRG2: "Yeah, it sure does"
DRG1: "I haven't had a party in 2 weeks"
DRG2: "Hah! I got you beat! I haven't had a party in 28 days!"
*DRG1 high fives DRG2*
DRG3: "oh yeah, well I only get a party once every 2 months and when I do get a party, I have a GREAT time!"
*DRG3 relates the story shown above in the THF chapter*
DRG2: "Man, that is hard core!"
DRG1: "Dude, that sounds like the best party ever!"
DRG3: "Well, if you like that, check this $#!t out: I put everyone in the party on my friend list and every time I try to send them a /tell they never reply to me. They never say a dingle word to me ever!"
DRG1: "Man, that's awesome! You are the most hardcore DRG ever!"
DRG2: "Man, mad props to your skillz!"
*tears well up in DRG2's eyes*
DRG2: "You make me proud to be a DRG, you're my hero DRG3!"
*DRG2 gives DRG3 a great big hug*
DRG3: "aww, cmon, you're embarrasing me *^^*"
DRG1: "Let's all have a circle jerk, I nominate DRG3 for pivot man cuz he is teh uber l33t $4173!"
*cheers echo throughout the tavern and fun is had by all*
If you follow these simple guidelines and simply make that extra effort go out of your way to make any and all DRGs lives miserable, you will be well on your way to becoming one of the most loved people by all DRGs on your server.