One thing that has always shocked and saddened me about the ongoing wizard class balance debate is the high number of posts in the message boards complaining that wizards don't get pets. I can only assume that these posts are written by failed lowbie wizards who have neglected to undertake the research necessary to master the full power of their class.

Each of the many prosperous wizards I have met in EQ has been well aware that the wizard class indeed has pets, that wizard pets are in many ways far more potent weapons than any other pets in the game, and wield those pets to merciless advantage in the dungeons and wildernesses of Norrath. In order to balance this excess of power, Verant has wisely attached a number of difficulties to the use of wizard pets -- They are more difficult and expensive to summon, more difficult to control, and they take a much bigger portion of party experience than any other pet type. Further, the control interface is atrociously bugged, with some commands completely broken, and others giving unpredictable (sometimes catastrophic) results.

The worst difficulty with wizard pets, and the reason why I'm writing this, is that they are very much an undocumented feature. You can't simply pad into your guildhall and find all the secrets of summoning neatly packaged on a scroll and proffered for sale at the cost of a few gold coins. You have to find it all out for yourself. Indeed, as the many misinformed posts in the forums show, even the very existance of wizard pets is something you are expected to deduce on your own while adventuring.

On principle, I cannot approve of "spoilers." Neither, I presume, can the community of veteran wizards who have earned their pets the hard way, hence the veil of secrecy about the matter. On the other hand, dissatisfaction among the uninformed has risen to such a pitch that I feel the time is come to publish a brief primer and guide on the subject.

***SPOILER FOLLOWS***

PART 1 -- How to Summon Your Pet

There is no need to obtain or scribe a spell scroll for this. All wizards are able to cast the summoning as an intrinsic class ability. To do this, first enter the zone in which you intend to hunt, then enter the following command:

/shout Group seeks lvl [your level] tank

Expect many fizzles. In fact, this spell fizzles so often that the fizzle message has been disabled to spare you the spam, so on failure you just get stony silence. On the bright side, it costs you niether mana nor items to cast (...initially, that is. You'll pay through the nose in terms of mana and items as your pet goes into action.) Don't be discouraged. Keep casting and soon your tank will appear.

PART 2 -- What is a "Tank?"

Just as enchanters get animations and magicians get elementals, wizards get "tanks." While I would have thought, before reading all this "Give us pets!" nonsense, that the sight of a wizard plunging nose-first into peril with his faithful tank in tow was one of the more common sights in Norrath, it is, I suppose, understandable that one could overlook them. Let us take stock of the tank, then, and compare it to the other caster pets.

Tanks are most like mage pets in both apperance and behavior, though they are substantially inferior in combat power. They can be easily distinguished from each other in that tanks have heads, although this is purely there for decoration. Like mage pets, tanks may be given weapons to use, but should not be given anything that you expect to get back. Fortunately, unlike mage pets, tanks generally come equipped with weapons on summoning, hence the prudent wizard doesn't give them Jack Diddly. Finally, just like mage pets, most tanks have some kind of minor magical attack, along with an unrestrainable tendancy to use it exactly when you don't want them to.

PART 3 -- Getting a Good Tank

In contrast to the common practice of other pet-wielding classes, the high failure rate of the summoning means that wizards cannot expect to summon and destroy thier tanks until they get an "even pet." The "/tank get lost" command is bugged anyway, leading to unpredictable results. If you simply must destroy your tank, it is far more efficient to send it out on a pull, invis everyone in the party while it is gone, then hit the "disband" key as soon as it makes contact. It should return to a point near the camp and, if invis holds, it will mill around a little until it finally succumbs to the pulled MOB's. At this point you may attempt to cast a summoning for another tank. (N.B. It is widely rumored among higher level wizards that repeated use of this method results in a higher fizzle rate for the summoning.)

PART 4 -- Fighting with a Tank in the Party

Tanks, like enchanter pets, are largely automated, with one important difference: Tanks are highly active and aggro on almost everything. This has its good and bad aspects. On the one hand, tanks can be set to auto-pull MOB's and dice them up at camp, netting you exp while you med, eat, watch TV, fondle the girlfriend, etc.; on the other hand, they have a variety of obnoxious personal habits, such as binge drinking, sexually harassing the party's druid, and pulling trios of fire giants while you're at 10% mana. You have to take the good with the bad -- just remember to always have gate memmed.

The typical "tank pull" goes something like this:

The tank is buffed and told to pull.
The tank signals readiness to pull by chugging ale until he weaves and commenting on the druid's breasts.
The tank departs and the druid bitterly starts listening to Ani DiFranco tunes while she meds.
The tank returns suddenly with about four dangerous and upset MOB's on his tail.
The tank says "Incoming!"
With the exception of the druid, who is still jamming with Ani, the group leaps into coordinated action, focusing their attacks on the group's bard.
The bard's instrument is vigorously lodged in his rectum so that the party can target the enemy.
Acquiring your target by assisting the puller, you light off your most potent nuke.
Your target rushes you, and you summon the tank to your aid saying "ON ME!"
The cleric pulls the remaining 3 MOB's off the tank by healing him.
The enchanter highlights the MOB attacking you by casting mesmerize on it.
The tank, guided by the blue flash, rushes to attack the mezzed MOB.
With mez broken, the MOB continues to pound you while the tank attempts to taunt it off you.
Taunt succeeds a few seconds after you die.
The cleric, forgotten in all the excitement, is killed by the other 3 MOB's.
With the cleric dead, the tank panics and trains his MOB to zone; meanwhile, the 3 other MOB's pounce on the medding/grooving druid.
The druid prepares to evac while the enchanter prepares to mesmerize the MOBs off her.
The bard extracts his instrument from his nethers and strikes up a tune, taunting all the MOBs off the druid.
The enchanter mesmerizes the bard.
The bard dies and the druid evacs to safety with the enchanter.
Of course, it doesn't always go this well, but this is the general idea.

by Kushinata of The Nameless